Over the last 22 months our lives have mainly been like a roller coaster of emotions. Last February 2010 there was an incident that occurred that caused the social worker to decide to change the goal in Savannah's case from reunification to her parents to adoption by us. We thought that the process would be quick but due to a series of crazy events here we are. Still waiting. It's a different kind of waiting now. I don't mind this kind as much. She's with us and we know she's not going to be taken away. I don't have to drop her off with her parents and explain to her that I will always come back for her and will never intentionally put her into dangerous situations (I mainly said this for myself given that she was just 5 months old when I started saying it as I would drive her to visit with her parents and she had no idea what I was saying.).
That February was a busy month. Savannah turned one, Sam's siblings and our nephew came to celebrate with us, and we had a meeting at the end of the month with Savannah's birth mother and state workers to inform her that they were going to terminate her parental rights.
The meeting with the social worker and her mom was stressful and traumatic to say the least. My most vivid memory of the meeting is of Savannah's mother sitting at the end of the 8 foot table crying, saying that she understood why her rights had to be terminated, and that she wanted us to keep Savannah, raise her, and love her. She knew that Savannah was in a home with a couple that loved her and where she would be safe. I sat watching this woman who seemed to have everything going against her, no one to comfort her, no one to tell her that they'll make it through this together. I got up from the side of the table and moved to sit by her. I held her hand and hugged her as she cried. She needed someone to comfort her and for that moment I needed to be that someone. In March we had take Savannah to court for an annual review before the judge. We met her parents there and both her mom and dad repeatedly told us, through a lot of tears, that they wanted us to keep her. They told anyone who would listen, social workers, attorneys, friends, anyone. We left court that day feeling very confused. They said that they wanted us to keep her but the worker said that we still needed to wait for the proper procedures to be completed. That was the last time we saw Savannah's mom.
The meeting with the social worker and her mom was stressful and traumatic to say the least. My most vivid memory of the meeting is of Savannah's mother sitting at the end of the 8 foot table crying, saying that she understood why her rights had to be terminated, and that she wanted us to keep Savannah, raise her, and love her. She knew that Savannah was in a home with a couple that loved her and where she would be safe. I sat watching this woman who seemed to have everything going against her, no one to comfort her, no one to tell her that they'll make it through this together. I got up from the side of the table and moved to sit by her. I held her hand and hugged her as she cried. She needed someone to comfort her and for that moment I needed to be that someone. In March we had take Savannah to court for an annual review before the judge. We met her parents there and both her mom and dad repeatedly told us, through a lot of tears, that they wanted us to keep her. They told anyone who would listen, social workers, attorneys, friends, anyone. We left court that day feeling very confused. They said that they wanted us to keep her but the worker said that we still needed to wait for the proper procedures to be completed. That was the last time we saw Savannah's mom.
I don't remember the exact day, but one day in the beginning of April we received a phone call from Savannah's social worker. She said, "Lindsay, you'll never believe this." I had a flooding of thoughts, "something else crazy had happened and we were going to go through another long process to see if we would get to adopt Savannah" or "her parents had maybe changed their minds about us keeping her". No, it wasn't either of those. It was worse. Savannah's mom had died. She had a brain aneurysm that ruptured. She was just 32 years old. To say that we were sad would be an understatement. We were grieving! We had spent the last year of our lives seeing her at least twice a week. We had developed a strange sort of friendship. She shared things with me that she didn't share with other people. I held her hand while she cried. Twice a week I hugged her and told her we were praying for her. For a year we had prayed for her to know the love and salvation that our Lord offers for those who recognize their sin and offense against Him as their creator. We prayed that she would see her need for God to be the one who rules her life and not herself. We prayed that she would understand what we said when we told her that God had to punish sin and rebellion by death and judgement, but that Jesus, God's son, took the judgement and death that we all deserve upon himself. We prayed that she would understand that Jesus didn't just die for our sin but that God brought him back to life to show His power over sin and death. The last conversation I had with her was sharing these things again and hoping that she would believe. Click here to read more about the compassion of the Lord.
We had to take Savannah to the viewing. Her whole family was there and for the hour that we were there we felt incredibly awkward. We had the little girl that everyone wanted. I sat with her grandmother and 4 yr old sister most of the time (she was too afraid to go near anyone but her sister) and all of a sudden I looked up from conversation to see a minimum of 6 cell phones out and pointing at us taking pictures of Savannah. AAAHHH! I just hoped I wasn't in any of them and they weren't sending them to family or friends to tell them to be on the lookout for me. The next day I went to the funeral. I wanted to be able to tell Savannah about my love for her mom and about the funeral if she ever asks. I sat in the very back row by the door, hoping not to be seen and make things worse for the extended family. Well, within minutes of being there her 12 yr old sister came over and hugged me. It was the kind of hug that lingers and she sank into my arms. She asked where the baby was and then left me to chase the 4 yr old. who was running down the isle. She also came over, looked under the pew, and asked why the baby was't under there (oh to be an oblivious child!). At the end of the funeral the ushers said we had to exit from the back to the front via the casket. **Insert another freak out moment here**. I fully ignored their request and just sat there waiting for them to pass so I could slip out the back. I pretended to look through my purse, gather my tissues, anything that would tell them to move on. Well, they didn't. The woman stood there and reminded me to leave through the front. So, I gathered my things and my courage and walked past the entire family and Savannah's father, made it to the casket, and then sobbed all the way to the door. Which, by the way, was in the back! They made us walk in a circle from the back to the front to the back again. I had to walk by the family twice!
I don't know what decisions Savannah's mother made about her life from the last time I saw her in March until she died in April. I hope that it was to recognize her need for the Savior, to turn from her sin, and believe in the God who could offer her the love and salvation that she so longed for here on earth. One day I will know.
More to come this afternoon...
We had to take Savannah to the viewing. Her whole family was there and for the hour that we were there we felt incredibly awkward. We had the little girl that everyone wanted. I sat with her grandmother and 4 yr old sister most of the time (she was too afraid to go near anyone but her sister) and all of a sudden I looked up from conversation to see a minimum of 6 cell phones out and pointing at us taking pictures of Savannah. AAAHHH! I just hoped I wasn't in any of them and they weren't sending them to family or friends to tell them to be on the lookout for me. The next day I went to the funeral. I wanted to be able to tell Savannah about my love for her mom and about the funeral if she ever asks. I sat in the very back row by the door, hoping not to be seen and make things worse for the extended family. Well, within minutes of being there her 12 yr old sister came over and hugged me. It was the kind of hug that lingers and she sank into my arms. She asked where the baby was and then left me to chase the 4 yr old. who was running down the isle. She also came over, looked under the pew, and asked why the baby was't under there (oh to be an oblivious child!). At the end of the funeral the ushers said we had to exit from the back to the front via the casket. **Insert another freak out moment here**. I fully ignored their request and just sat there waiting for them to pass so I could slip out the back. I pretended to look through my purse, gather my tissues, anything that would tell them to move on. Well, they didn't. The woman stood there and reminded me to leave through the front. So, I gathered my things and my courage and walked past the entire family and Savannah's father, made it to the casket, and then sobbed all the way to the door. Which, by the way, was in the back! They made us walk in a circle from the back to the front to the back again. I had to walk by the family twice!
I don't know what decisions Savannah's mother made about her life from the last time I saw her in March until she died in April. I hope that it was to recognize her need for the Savior, to turn from her sin, and believe in the God who could offer her the love and salvation that she so longed for here on earth. One day I will know.
More to come this afternoon...
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| more outtakes: when asked to stop running and look at me she started jumping! |
How touching ... your love for this women who needed the love of Jesus so much. Thanks for demonstrating how to love as Jesus loved!
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